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+title:  Solitude - My Confession
+date:   Sun, 11 Aug 2024 07:41:44 +0200
+author: -fab- <fab@redterminal.org>
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This is kind of a confession:

The reading of "Social Hangover"[1] from Robert Birming really made
me think of  my social commitment and  if I'm wrong or if  I have a
problem. And  I think its  the trigger for this  post to get  of my
chest.

The main  thing is, I don't  socialize very much in  real life (and
also not  really in the  online world). I  live alone and  the only
enduring relationships I  have is my best friend ever  and his wife
and my mom.  But after the marriage  of my friend they  moved a few
cities away and I  only see them once or twice  a year, although we
have phone calls relatively often.

But the thing is, I'm not lonely. In fact I feel really great since
around 15 years  without any other meaningful  relationship. I live
alone, have my  own space without having to  concern somebody. This
is the actual situation and I think I can call myself *happy*.

This was not  always the case. In my youth/early  adulthood I had a
massive  PTSD (post-traumatic  stress  disorder).  I couldn't  live
alone -  but I  was terrible  with other people  and myself.  I was
extremely  unbearable  for  others  and  also  for  myself.  I  got
medication but I did self-medicate with alcohol - a lot of alcohol!
Which made me even  worse. And when I drank I drank  so much that I
regularly  suffered  from  alcohol  overdose. Sometimes  I  got  in
conflict with the police and awoke in arrest.

But one  day, when I  awoke with alcohol overdose  again, something
made *click*  in my  brain. I'm  not sure  what it  was and  I'm an
agnostic so  I don't really  believe in divine intervention,  but I
DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL THIS SICK ANYTIME AGAIN!

But that was not the real miracle.  The real miracle was that I not
only  never drank  again -  no! I  also don't  miss it  or had  ANY
craving to drink from that day on.

And I thought I don't need anybody  - they hate me anyway (for good
reason). So I  left myself in solitude and the  real healing began.
In  the  rare  encounters  I  had  with  my  neighbors  or  at  the
supermarket (I also moved to another apartment where I was unknown)
I  was much,  much more  sociable and  friendly and  even had  some
really  friendly  conversations  with "normal"  people.  These  are
seldom but they make me happy.

But from that day on I only have VERY few relationships (in reality
I had *none* before) and I'm happy  with that. This solves a lot of
problems for me  and I'm not overwhelmed  with responsibilities for
other people.

And I can honestly say, the last 15 years were happy years. My life
is quiet and boring and I like it that way.

I'm nearly 50 years old now and  this massive change in my life was
15 years ago from now. I just hope for another few good years until
I rest in peace.

This is  also the reason  why I use  an online pseudonym  and don't
want to tell my real name - I have a past. And not a good one.

So that's my story.

All in all - have fun!
-fab-

[1] https://birming.com/social-hangover/